Marcos Diary

[Shava]

Luci, I wish I could tell you this face to face, but this has been the wildest week. You remember the ring of course and what you taught me from it? well Nadya's parents were not told about us breaking up apparently and they had made arrangements with mine for me coming over end of the summer, after you were off to camp.

I went to speak with her, tell her how much I messed up when I broke up with her. It was a selfish thing and stupid and idiotic to think I could change another person to suit me; you were so freaking right to give me that talk. I wish you had slapped me earlier, I needed the stupid kicked out, like mad. I wasn't trying to get her to take me back, really, I just needed to make sure she understood i knew I had screwed us both up and apologize. I can't take it back, but I wanted to make things right between us.

She's always been my best bud at school.

But she wanted me to pretend for her parents. And she had...changed. Like, nearly another person inside I could not believe how much. This jerk whose name she won't tell me (man I want to track him down so bad and see how he deals with backwards knees for the rest of his life) screwed her over in her head. I mean bad. I held her the first night while she cried it out and--

Damn it.

I learned I can't resist her when she has something in mind.

But she's so different! It's as if the full Slytherin switch got turned on! There's no gentle, there's no artsy, she's like a new person and at first I thought she was the same, but by the end of the week, I was putty and it didn't feel right at all. It's like she wanted to compete all the time and I realized that she wasn't the same person at all, she's so different, so... not a partner anymore, she's a dominator. I think she wants the control to keep anyone from hurting her again.

I'm so lost.

Luci I need help bad. I wish I could talk to you.

I don't feel myself, I don't feel the softness in her touch anymore, she's more hard now. Why did I try to turn her into something like this back last year? Was I blind, dumb, ignorant? This has made the message clearer then anything you could have done. You fall in love with people for who they are, not for what you want them to be. And you should never try and get them to change, ever. If they do it on their own, so be it, but you should never try and force it.

Merlin. What did I do?

[Shava]

In the Kingdom of Bastonia, there lived a rather iffy King. Not good, not bad, just ineffective. The Kingdom worked because the King's dead brother had made a number of recent changes which had the kingdom on high finances, in good shape overall. Over the next few years those wise in the way of politics expected it would go back into the dumps most likely or run along unsteadily like a drunken man trying to make the back latrine.

The iffy King did have a few knights though to help keep the peace and enforce the law. Most however were older knights from the good King's days and some were close to turning over their positions to their squires. One of those elderly knights was the Earl of Lampton who did not own a castle so much as a manor home in one fine town and a series of mills scattered down the river turning his own Earldom into a long and winding river land. His son, who was no knight, was very adept at finances and organization so the Earldom would set comfortably on his shoulders since his wife had the compassion and empathy the Earldom needed.

But he was not leader or hero type of person.

The Earl's squire was a young man, barely still in his teens, who was named Jangi. Now Jangi was untested, despite six years in the Earl's service. he had been trained in the sword and shield and lance, but even more so, he had been taught the differences in right and wrong and the questionable issues between them. As the Earl had gotten older and less able to fight, Jangi had been doing the defending part more often, his Master doing the verbal and social fencing which his position required. The young man had come to him a stripling, an orphan on the road and had learned how to care for the horses and armor and riding tact long before he ever learned weapons.

His muscles however had been taught on chopping wood.

Not only a hard job, but it used the same muscle groups that a sword did and the old Earl knew this. While the boy had been working hard for their daily cares, he had grown hard muscles in service, well earned without scars. And riding up and down the roads of the river valleys, he had most often been running and walking, not riding so his legs were as tough as his arms. The Earl was a very smart man and wanted to be sure the boy had the best of all chances to grow and learn.

Now returning from service on the border, the boy and his master were long road weary and tired. The death of the Good King had brought their neighbors to test their forces of defense and two years of fighting had happened, causing a lot of dramatic and hard learned knowledge full on the boy's untested skills. And being that war did not suffer the incompetent for very long, he had had to learn on the fly from his mistakes, and learn fast how to follow up in his successes.

Returning now, he looked the very essence of a stout young man, but not a warrior yet in full. That could only come in time. He did not feel ready, but the Earl made arrangements for them to take on his order early, maybe feeling a rougher set of tests were ahead in his future that he wanted to make sure were well passed.

[Shava]

(These pages are an article cut from a paper in which comments have been written in different handwritings, the slate blue clearly Marcos' handwriting the other unseen in the rest of the book.)

The white tiger is a rare pigmentation variant of the Bengal tiger, which was reported in the wild from time to time in Assam, Bengal, Bihar and especially from the former State of Rewa.

Color Comparisons

White tigers are distinct for the normal coloration in that they lack the pheomelanin pigment that in normal tigers produces the orange color. They still produce the other color pigment, eumelanin, and hence are not considered albino ("AH HA!"). Compared to normal colored tigers without the white gene, white tigers tend to be somewhat bigger, both at birth and as fully grown adults. Kailash Sankhala, the director of the New Delhi Zoo in the 1960s, said "one of the functions of the white gene may have been to keep a size gene in the population, in case it's ever needed." ("This would explain the big paws") Dark-striped white individuals are well-documented in the Bengal Tiger subspecies, also known as the Royal Bengal ("Oh yes! A royal!") ("Yew wish") or Indian tiger (Panthera tigris tigris or P. t. bengalensis), and may also have occurred in captive Siberian Tigers (Panthera tigris altaica), as well as having been reported historically in several other subspecies. Currently, several hundred white tigers are in captivity worldwide, with about one hundred being found in India. Nevertheless, their population is on the increase.

The unusual white coloration of white tigers has made them popular in zoos and entertainment showcasing exotic animals. German-American magicians Siegfried & Roy became famous for breeding and training two white tigers for their performances, referring to them as "royal white tigers," the white tiger's association with the Maharaja of Rewa.

Martand Singh, the last Maharaja of Rewa ("@sshole") ("There we agree. Why do muggles cage everything?"), captured the first living white tiger observed in nature, during his 1950 visit to Govindgarh jungle at Rewa, Madhya Pradesh, India. With help from official veterinary experts, he attempted breeding the white tiger with colored female tigers. Though initial attempts failed, he did eventually succeed and created a second generation of white tigers. In time, this breeding population has been expanded around the world.

White Siberian tigers

The existence of white Siberian tigers has not been scientifically documented, despite occasional unsubstantiated reports of sightings of white tigers in the regions where wild Siberian tigers live. It may be that the white mutation does not exist in the wild Siberian tiger population: no white Siberian tigers have been born in captivity ("CAUSE YOU CAGE THEM DUMB ASS"), despite the fact that the subspecies has been extensively bred during the last few decades (with much outbreeding between the different Siberian lineages for purposes of conservation genetics); a recessive allele ("HA your recessive! What does that mean?") should occasionally turn up in a homozygous state during such breeding, and in this particular case yield white tigers from normally-colored parents, but no such animals have been reported.

The famous white Siberian tigers found in captivity are actually not pure Siberian tigers. They are instead the result of Siberian tigers breeding with Bengal tigers. The gene for white coating is quite common among Bengal tigers, but the natural birth of a white Bengal tiger is still a very rare ("RARE BABY ALL THE WAY") occasion in the wild, where white tigers are not bred selectively.

The white tiger is not considered a tiger subspecies, but rather a mutant variant ("AH HA! Mutant! I knew it!") ("SHUT UP") of the existing tiger subspecies. If a pure white Siberian tiger were to be born, it would therefore not be selectively bred within the tiger conservation programs. It would, however, probably still be selectively bred outside the program in an effort to create more white Siberian tigers. Due to the popularity ("Extremely popular, notice that?") ("Mutants are popular? Only Wolverine.") ("Screw you, Whiskers.") ("OH THAT'S IT!!")of white tigers, they are used to attract visitors to zoos.

An additional genetic condition can remove most of the striping of a white tiger, making the animal almost pure white. One such specimen was exhibited at Exeter Change in England in 1820, and described by Georges Cuvier as "A white variety of Tiger is sometimes seen, with the stripes very opaque, and not to be observed except in certain angles of light." Naturalist Richard Lydekker said that, "a white tiger, in which the fur was of a creamy tint, with the usual stripes faintly visible in certain parts, was exhibited at the old menagerie at Exeter Change about the year 1820." Hamilton Smith said, "A wholly white tiger, with the stripe-pattern visible only under reflected light, like the pattern of a white tabby cat, was exhibited in the Exeter Change Menagerie in 1820.", and John George Wood stated that, "a creamy white, with the ordinary tigerine ("You so made that word up") stripes so faintly marked that they were only visible in certain lights." Edwin Henry Landseer also drew this tigress in 1824.

The modern strain of snow white tigers came from repeated brother-sister matings of Bhim and Sumita at Cincinnati Zoo ("INBREAD!") ("That would make you indred too doofus.") ("Ah. Never mind."). The gene involved may have come from a Siberian tiger, via their part-Siberian ancestor Tony. Continued inbreeding appears to have caused a recessive gene for stripelessness to show up. About one fourth of Bhim and Sumita's offspring were stripeless. Their striped white offspring, which have been sold to zoos around the world, may also carry the stripeless gene. Because Tony's genome is present in many white tiger pedigrees, the gene may also be present in other captive white tigers. As a result, stripeless white tigers have appeared in zoos as far afield as the Czech Republic, Spain and Mexico. Stage magicians Siegfried & Roy were the first to attempt to selectively breed tigers for stripelessness; they owned snow-white Bengal tigers taken from Cincinnati Zoo (Tsumura, Mantra, Mirage and Akbar-Kabul) and Guadalajara, Mexico (Vishnu and Jahan), as well as a stripeless Siberian tiger called Apollo. ("Why would you want no stripes? That's stupid, they look cool.")

In 2004, a blue-eyed, stripeless white tiger was born in a wildlife refuge in Alicante, Spain. Its parents are normal orange Bengals. The cub was named Artico ("Arctic").

Stripeless white tigers were thought to be sterile until Siegfried & Roy's stripeless white tigress Sitarra, a daughter of Bhim and Sumita, gave birth. Another variation which came out of the white strains were unusually light-orange tigers called "golden tabby tigers". These are probably orange tigers which carry the stripeless white gene as a recessive. Some white tigers in India are very dark, between white and orange.

Genetics

A white tiger's pale coloration is due to the lack of the red and yellow pigments that normally produce the orange coloration. ("Hang on, you lack a Godric?") ("....") This had long been thought to be due to a mutation in the gene for the tyrosinase enzyme. A knockout mutation in this gene results in albinism, the inability to make either pheomelanin or eumelanin, while the consequence of a less severe mutation in the same gene is the cause of a selective loss of pheomelanin, the so-called Chinchilla trait. The white phenotype in tigers had been attributed to this Chinchilla mutation in tyrosinase, and some publications prior to the 1980s refer to it as an albino gene for this reason. However, genomic analysis has demonstrated instead that a mutation in the SLC45A2 gene is responsible. The resultant single amino acid substitution in this transport protein, by a mechanism yet to be determined, causes the elimination of pheomelanin expression seen in the white tiger. This is a recessive trait, meaning that it is only seen in individuals that are homozygous for this mutation. Inbreeding promotes recessive traits and has been used as a strategy to produce white tigers in captivity.

The stripe color varies due to the influence and interaction of other genes. Another genetic characteristic makes the stripes of the tiger very pale; white tigers of this type are called snow-white or "pure white". White tigers, Siamese cats, and Himalayan rabbits have enzymes in their fur which react to temperature, causing them to grow darker in the cold. A white tiger named Mohini was whiter than her relatives in the Bristol Zoo, who showed more cream tones. ("WTH? How many types can there be??") This may have been because she spent less time outdoors in the winter. ("OMG! DUDE! LOOK HERE!") ("Damn dude, I see it. That is kinda spooky you've always been that way...") ("IKR?") White tigers produce a mutated form of tyrosinase, an enzyme used in the production of melanin, which only functions at certain temperatures, below 37 C (99 F). This is why Siamese cats and Himalayan rabbits are darker on their faces, ears, legs, and tails (the color points) ("Dude, remember this, gotta check.") ("I am not checking out your tail no way"), where the cold penetrates more easily. This is called acromelanism, and other cats breeds derived from the Siamese, such as the Himalayan and the snowshoe cat, also exhibit the condition. Kailash Sankhala observed that white tigers were always whiter in Rewa State, even when they were born in New Delhi and returned there. "In spite of living in a dusty courtyard, they were always snow white." A weakened immune system is directly linked to reduced pigmentation in white tigers.

[Shava]

Genetic defects

Outside of India, white tigers have been prone to crossed eyes, a condition known as strabismus, an example of which is "Clarence the cross-eyed lion", due to incorrectly routed visual pathways in the brains of white tigers. When stressed or confused, all white tigers cross their eyes ("Do not!") ("Actually he's right."). ("Seriously? You never told me!") ("Sorry, keep forgetting. Mind like a steel-thingy.") Strabismus is associated with white tigers of mixed Bengal x Siberian ancestry. The only pure-Bengal white tiger reported to be cross-eyed was Mohini's daughter Rewati. Strabismus is directly linked to the white gene and is not a separate consequence of inbreeding. The orange litter-mates of white tigers are not prone to strabismus. Siamese cats and albinos of every species which have been studied all exhibit the same visual pathway abnormality found in white tigers. Siamese cats are also sometimes cross-eyed, as are some albino ferrets. The visual pathway abnormality was first documented in white tigers in the brain of a white tiger called Moni after he died, although his eyes were of normal alignment. The abnormality is that there is a disruption in the optic chiasm. The examination of Moni's brain suggested the disruption is less severe in white tigers ("Well thank Merlin") than it is in Siamese cats. Because of the visual pathway abnormality, by which some of the optic nerves are routed to the wrong side of the brain, white tigers have a problem with spatial orientation, and bump into things until they learn to compensate. ("I am so going to remember this when you hit the doorway again...") Some tigers compensate by crossing their eyes. When the neurons pass from the retina to the brain and reach the optic chiasma, some cross and some do not, so that visual images are projected to the wrong hemisphere of the brain. White tigers cannot see as well as normal tigers and suffer from photophobia, like albinos. ("You are so going to have glasses when you get older man.") ("Hey! It doesn't say that ALL of them... >.<")

Other genetic problems include shortened tendons of the forelegs, club foot, kidney problems, arched or crooked backbone and twisted neck. ("WTF? WHAT DOES TWISTED NECK MEAN?? DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THAT!!") Reduced fertility and miscarriages, noted by tiger man Kailash Sankhala ("Um, tiger man? half tiger or something?") in pure-Bengal white tigers were attributed to inbreeding depression. ("Right. No screwing imaginary sisters. Got it.") A condition known as "star-gazing", which is associated with inbreeding in big cats, has also been reported in white tigers. Some of the white tigers born to North American lines have bulldog faces with a snub nose, jutting jaw, domed head and wide-set eyes with an indentation between the eyes. ("Okay now I have to check for the face, man, like right away.") ("You are so dying in your sleep, man, good thing I'm the one with night vision.") However, some of these traits may be linked to poor diet rather than inbreeding.

There is a 450 lb (200 kg) male cross-eyed white tiger at the Pana'ewa Rainforest Zoo in Hawaii, which was donated to the zoo by Las Vegas magician Dirk Arthur. There is a picture of a white tiger which appears to be cross-eyed on just one side in Siegfried & Roy's book Mastering The Impossible. A white tiger, named Scarlett O'Hara, who was Tony's sister, was cross-eyed only on the right side. ("That is so weird. How can you cross with only one eye?")

A male white tiger named Cheytan, a son of Bhim and Sumita born at the Cincinnati Zoo, died at the San Antonio Zoo in 1992 from anaesthesia complications during root canal therapy. It appears that white tigers also react strangely to anaesthesia. ("GAH!") The best drug for immobilizing a tiger is CI 744, ("Heh. Idea.") but a few tigers, white ones in particular, undergo a re-sedation effect 24-36 hours later. This is due to their inability to produce normal tyrosinase, a trait they share with albinos, according to zoo veterinarian David Taylor. He treated a pair of white tigers from the Cincinnati Zoo at Fritz Wurm's safari park in Stukenbrock, Germany, for salmonella poisoning, which reacted strangely to the anaesthesia.

Mohini was checked for Ch-diak-Higashi syndrome in 1960, but the results were inconclusive. This condition is similar to albino mutations and causes bluish lightening of the fur color ("Blue fur? Did he just say blue fur? WTH?"), crossed eyes, and prolonged bleeding after surgery. Also, in the event of an injury, the blood is slow to coagulate. This condition has been observed in domestic cats, but there has never been a case of a white tiger having Ch-diak-Higashi syndrome. ("Circe's T!ts thank goodness!") ("You could have been a smurf!") ("SHUT IT") There has been a single case of a white tiger having central retinal degeneration, reported from the Milwaukee County Zoo, which could be related to reduced pigmentation in the eye. The white tiger in question was a male named Mota on loan from the Cincinnati Zoo. ("What does that even mean? His eyes rotted away? Shrank? Man, I don't even wanna think about this...")

There is a myth that white tigers have an 80% infant mortality rate. However, the infant mortality rate for white tigers is no higher than it is for normal orange tigers bred in captivity. Cincinnati Zoo director Ed Maruska said: "We have not experienced premature death among our white tigers. Forty-two animals born in our collection are still alive. Mohan, a large white tiger, died just short of his 20th birthday, an enviable age for a male of any subspecies, since most males live shorter captive lives ("DUH"). Premature deaths in other collections may be artifacts of captive environmental conditions... In 52 births we had four stillbirths, one of which was an unexplained loss. We lost two additional cubs from viral pneumonia, which is not excessive. Without data from non-inbred tiger lines, it is difficult to determine whether this number is high or low with any degree of accuracy." Ed Maruska also addressed the issue of deformities: "Other than a case of hip dysplasia that occurred in a male white tiger, we have not encountered any other body deformities or any physiological or neurological disorders. ("FINALLY GOOD NEWS") Some of these reported maladies in mutant tigers in other collections may be a direct result of inbreeding or improper rearing management of tigers generally."

Inbreeding and outcrossing

Because of the extreme rarity of the white tiger allele in the wild, the breeding pool was limited to the small number of white tigers in captivity. According to Kailash Sankhala, the last white tiger ever seen in the wild was shot in 1958. ("BASTARDS!!") Today there is a large number of white tigers in captivity. A white Amur tiger may have been born at Center Hill and has given rise to a strain of white Amur tigers. A man named Robert Baudy realized that his tigers had white genes when a tiger he sold to Marwell Zoo in England developed white spots, and bred them accordingly. The Lowry Park Zoo in Tampa Bay has four of these white Amur tigers, descended from Robert Baudy's stock. ("Man, I so want to go on a rescue about now...") ("-snorts-")

It has also been possible to expand the white-gene pool by outcrossing white tigers with unrelated orange tigers and then using the cubs to produce more white tigers. The white tigers Ranjit, Bharat, Priya and Bhim were all outcrossed, in some instances to more than one tiger. Bharat was bred to an unrelated orange tiger named Jack from the San Francisco Zoo and had an orange daughter named Kanchana. Bharat and Priya were also bred with an unrelated orange tiger from Knoxville Zoo, and Ranjit was bred to this tiger's sister, also from Knoxville Zoo. Bhim fathered several litters with an unrelated orange tigress named Kimanthi at the Cincinnati Zoo. ankam Ranjeeth had several mates at the Omaha Zoo.

The last descendants of Bristol Zoo's white tigers were a group of orange tigers from outcrosses which were bought by a Pakistani senator and shipped to Pakistan. Rajiv, Pretoria Zoo's white tiger, who was born in the Cincinnati Zoo, was also outcrossed and sired at least two litters of orange cubs at Pretoria Zoo. Outcrossing is not necessarily done with the intent of producing more white cubs by resuming inbreeding further down the line.

Outcrossing is a way of bringing fresh blood into the white strain. The New Delhi Zoo loaned out white tigers to some of India's better zoos for outcrossing, and the government had to impose a whip to force zoos to return either the white tigers or their orange offspring. ("How do you whip a zoo?") ("Do you really want to know the answer to that man?") ("Good point.")

Siegfried & Roy performed at least one outcross. In the mid-1980s they offered to work with the Indian government in the creation of a healthier strain of white tigers. The Indian government reportedly considered the offer; however, India had a moratorium on breeding white tigers after cubs were born at New Delhi Zoo with arched backs and clubbed feet, necessitating euthanasia. ("AHHH! THAT'S HORRIBLE!!!") ("Damn muggles.") Siegfried & Roy have bred white tigers in collaboration with the Nashville Zoo.

Because of the inbreeding and resulting genetic defects the Association of Zoos and Aquariums barred member zoos from breeding white tigers, white lions and king cheetahs in a white paper adopted by the board of directors in July 2011. It is noteworthy that the first person to speak out against the displaying of white tigers was William Conway, director of the NY Zoological Association, which later became known as the Bronx zoo when he said, "White tigers are freaks. ("I will hunt you down and kill you. Shut up, don't even write here.") It's not the role of a zoo to show two headed calves and white tigers." He warned AZA in 1983 of the harm to the zoo's credibility in catering to the public's fascination with freaks ("Just pointing out how nice I am.") ("Yeah you're a saint, now shush."), but went unheeded until 2008 when AZA issued a request to their members to stop breeding white tigers and then later in July 2011 when the AZA formally adopted that stance as policy. Conway was attacked by Ed Maruska of the Cincinnati Zoo for his observation, but in the end Conway's belief was validated.

Popular culture

White tigers appear frequently in literature, video games, television, and comic books. Such examples include the Swedish rock band Kent, which featured a white tiger on the cover of their best-selling album Vapen & ammunition in 2002. This was a tribute to the band's home town Eskilstuna, as the local zoo in town had white tigers from the Hawthorn Circus as its main attraction. The white tiger has also been featured in the video for the song "Human" by the popular American synth-rock band The Killers. White Tiger is also the name of an American glam metal band from the 1980s.

In the movie 101 Dalmatians, Cruella de Vil kills a White tiger for its fur. ("Dude. Didn't mama show us this? I don't remember this.") ("Yeah. Good thing she doesn't know then, she's be horrified at tanned skin on the floor.") ("-twitches-")

Aravind Adiga's novel The White Tiger won the Man Booker Prize in 2008. The central character and narrator refers to himself as "The White Tiger". It was a nickname given to him as a child to denote that he was unique in the "jungle" (his hometown), that he was smarter than the others. ("Your turn to shut yer yap.") ("...damn I missed that.")

Games including white tigers include Zoo Tycoon, the Warcraft universe, and Perfect World International. The popularity of white tigers has led private users to create mods or game patches for Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion which changes the Khajit species to possess white tiger aspects, including realistic height and body sizes in relation to the standard orange Khajit. White Tigers are featured as a wild, tamable "pet" companion in Guild Wars Factions. White Tigers are also seen in Heroes of Might and Magic IV, where they are a level 2 unit for the nature alignment.

Both the Power Rangers ("YOU WERE ON POWER RANGERS?!! I LOVED THAT!!") ("...by asphyxiation. You are going to be known as death of a pillow bitter on your grave stone.") and the Japanese Super Sentai series from which the Power Rangers series is based on, have used White Tiger themed mecha. A trained white tiger from the Bowmanville Zoo in Ontario, Canada, was used in the Animorphs TV series. A superhero named White Tiger appears in "The Justice Friends" on Dexter's Laboratory. Marvel Comics also publishes several superheroes who go by the name White Tiger. A white tiger named White Blaze is frequently shown in the anime Ronin Warriors. Tigatron from the animated TV series Transformers: Beast Wars is based on the white tiger. There have been at least 4 heroes in Marvel comics called "The White Tiger": two gained powers from a group of three mystic amulets that they possessed, one was actually a tigress evolved by the High Evolutionary, and one was given an artificial version of the "Black Panther's Heart Shaped Herb". ("I'm sorry, but that has to be kinky reference right there.") ("Damn it, now I see it too. Gee thanks...")

Kylie Chan's 'Dark Heavens' series incorporates the four winds of Chinese mythology including the The White Tiger.

In Hayate the Combat Butler, Tama; Nagi Sanzenin's pet tiger is a white tiger.

Using white tigers in Circus and other propaganda campaigns often turn fatal. White tigers are sensitive to heat and noise. A white tiger used for election campaign in Lahore, Pakistan died of dehydration. ("O.O")

[Shava]

Oh Gods.

Merlin.

Sh!t. Sh!t. Sh!t.

LUCI! HELP!

Aw man, you can't do anything but hold me while I cry.

She did me. Got me back for last year. And I was trying to make it up to her, bridge the gap. But no, she got me all running again, kissed up and then dropped me flat on I disagree.

Madden sat on my last night till I stopped trying to get my wand back. Maddox tied me down till I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning the pillow was soaked and I was still tied down. Madden let me up, but they followed me all morning, wouldn't let me alone. They're right of course.

I wanted to go out the window, couldn't get the damn thing to open. I guess one of them heard about my reactions cause they came running. I both love and hate my family right now. It would have been so much easier to just go...

What the hell am I gonna do? How can I go on? She's right though. I screwed her over, she got me back. How bad I could mess myself up right now trying to make my heart to quit beating, quit tearing up inside me. I need to do something. Anything.

I begged them to let me out, to let me go outside and they wouldn't. I sobbed like a little sh!t, you would have hated me then. Even our playground wouldn't have been enough. Mom would have verbally kicked my butt for getting anywhere near her again, risking this, but that's mom.

MY GOD WHY DOES IT HURT THIS BAD???

I have to track down that Andy guy and beat the piss out of him for you. I had no idea you felt like this! WHY didn't you tell me then? I could have stopped him somehow, dragged his ass back so you could do something.

( smudged water across the page )

[Shava]

Robert's being a pain again. What is it with this guy? Yeah yeah we all know class is dull and dreary, why do you have to make it more so?

Today it's about Ellen's twitching. Yeah she can't help it, jerk off, go back to your snake hole and shush like the rest of us.

See sometimes when she makes her wand movements she jerks at sounds. It doesn't seem to take much, I don't know why. Someone can make an unexpected sound on the other end of the great hall and she'd jerk a little. It gets less when people don't bring it up.

Which is why he probably did.

Anyway, Prof Guildenstern was dividing us into pairs and he pipes up with the whole "Not Ellen, don't want to get twitched into something wrong."

Gah.

It almost guarantees that whoever she does get is going to GET a twitch when he makes one later "unexpectedly." And her partner won't be able to stop thinking about it because he drew so much attention to it. And now it's on her mind as well.

What is it about snakes that they can't leave people to their own fates? Is it something about that house (fair enough most of them, though there are a few who aren't jerks about it really like Na--) -several words scribbled out here-which they feel better taking someone else down a peg? Why? How do you manage to make a house which averages more assholes then the rest of the school?

Oh and thinking about that, what does it say about the founder who made it that way? An accident or on purpose?

He may have been a mighty wizard or powerful or even really fiendishly clever, but why the attitude? Is it really acceptable to people back then, and to the other three at the least, to say they valued his input?

What the f*ck was Godric thinking?? How do you make a friend with someone who feels that blood is a big issue, that he was superior to you and that torturing others verbally was the way to go? Or was he like totally a snake and hiding his real self for years?

Seriously? Who does shit like that to their "closest friends?"

And honestly, if I am really being fair, N does do it a bit to her sister, like making her wear things and pushing her to going to places she doesn't want to. Gia just fights back in clever ways I'm proud to say. Not that she is being cruel by forcing Gia into these things because really, she's trying to help her open up more a goal I hope she can succeed in some.

-a single smudge here-

Gia is so strong, but she doesn't seem to want to recognize it in herself or show it to the world. And the world is a bit poorer because of that I think. And thinking that way I should always try and help others out, right?

Eh, so I volunteered to be Ellen's partner.

Since my brothers can't blame me if I don't try to get hurt...

[Shava]

-several days papers pulled out, ragged remains of the edges near the spine-

[Shava]

The service for a new knight wasn't as elaborate as one might think. he had already proven himself a few times to other knights in the defense of the walls. No big events stood out for him after two years of war, but Jangi felt how awful it was and why men should fear it with all their hearts. It had tempered him in ways few might understand at first sight, but it had helped. As the time honored tradition held in the ceremony, he cleaned and polished the armor and sword, and then prayed over it all night, awake and watchful in the company of two elderly knights.

The next day was the service followed by a brief testing of his skills for view of those gathered (a small service) but the words that stuck with him was something whispered to him after the service, a story his master had never told him about before. It was a man who had a chance to turn a war from happening and thus save many thousands of lives and had been tempted by a demon with the taunt that he would be remembered forever if he did this great deed.

"To do the right thing for the wrong reason."

For some reason those words rang in his mind, reminding him that his intentions were as important as his actions, his decisions. It wasn't enough to do the right thing if his reasons were not good and honest and that would stick with him for a very long time. They had a day of a feast, the young knight was congratulated, and eventually he and his no-longer-master turned their horses down the road for their home. And as they went the final lessons about the route were hammered home because now Jangi would be the one to enforce the law, such as it was, with a reasoned head and heart.

It was a big step because Jangi also knew this was his Master's last trip and the longest before the big final journey and it was a sad occasion.

This time he took lead while his Master stayed in the background, listening and judging this young man who he knew so very well. The first village they passed held one of the Earldom's main mills in a tricky location where the river plunged over a cliff. Two roads passed through here making it a spot many farmers brought their wheat for grinding into flour and meal. And where that many people gathered, there were often problems.

There were two cases waiting them, one about a farms with an argument about the dividing line between them as a flood had wiped out the old trees they used to use. THAT case took an hour to hear all the sides as the old farmers didn't care, but their children were almost to fist blows over it. Eventually shooting arrows into the air to mark where god intended the dividing mark to be satisfied the kids.

In the break between cases, a little girl in tattered clothes and big eyes tugged on his sleeve.

Watched by a few around sort of quietly, Jangi bent one knee down into the dirt not caring about his breeches getting dirty. "Yes little one? Is there something I can help you with?" She nodded and leaned up to his ear, he turned the side of his head to her to make it easier and heard her whisper "Are you really a knight?" He turned enough to catch her eyes and nodded, hesitantly. "I am. Do you need a knight?" She nodded again, very small seeming. He held out his hand and said softly "Take me where I am needed then. What is your name, small one?"

"Emily," she whispered.

[Shava]

Louis Armstrong - Dream a little Dream of me

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars shining up above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Yes, dream a little dream of me

[Shava]

Silent concentration
Paper stare
Lock falls down, shifts attention
A delicate tuck behind artistic ear

Scribble notes
Turn page with a single finger
No doodles on this page
Lip bite thrills me

Little bird unknowing
Wrap me around a finger
I want to be different
Learn how to be patient

Crone stops me
Points me to my work
Ridiculous numbers
Can't tell me my fate

Feel eyes
Don't look up
Try to pretend the owner
Doesn't interest me so much

I know it's her

Robby you doofus
Dropping bag on Suzy's foot
A scream of surprise
Librarian striking fast

Glance covert
She's distracted by the sound
Irritation cute frown
Look down quick as head turns

Can't make her panic
Retreat or go dormant
She's done it so many times
I can count the blushes

Will she ever see
Me for who I am
Or this bout of celibacy
Doomed to forever stand?

Chuckles in my ear
Someone knows my focus
Add my own blush
Paper ball to her forearm

[Shava]

Marked in his handwriting as the most beautiful love song in the world

Gandhi / Buddha
Words And Music By
Cheryl Wheeler

Feel this wind blow, scatters all these leaves like paper rain.
Feel these days roll, back into our winter lives again.
The tangle at the garden fence is brown and dry.
You call me out and point to your November sky.

chorus:
I must've been Gandhi or Buddha or someone like that,
I must've saved lives by the hundreds everywhere I went.
I must've brought rest to the restless, fed the hungry too,
I must've done something great to get to have you.

And when the cold comes and you are by your fire and fast asleep,
I'll turn a light on, to watch the snow outside fall soft and deep.
And when the winter morning shines all white and blue,
We'll watch the dogs run through the fields like children do.

chorus:
I must've been Gandhi or Buddha or someone like that,
I must've saved lives by the hundreds everywhere I went.
I must've brought rest to the restless, fed the hungry too,
I must've done something great to get to have you.

I suppose stranger things have come to pass,
Many's the forest I can't see.
I was so down and lost and fading fast.
How did you find your way to me?

chorus:
I must've been Gandhi or Buddha or someone like that,
I must've saved lives by the hundreds everywhere I went.
I must've brought rest to the restless, fed the hungry too,
I must've done something great to get to have you.

[Shava]

Catching his Master's eyes, he followed the little girl whose whole hand fit on his first two fingers into the street and around the corner to the back of one of the buildings where there was a rough made fence. Along the way he caught several smiles from people and a scowl from one (assuming he was the village criticizer as there seemed to be one in every one of them) and she pointed at the bottom of the fence behind a bush. To his eyes it took a moment to see the cat which was stuck under the fence which had cut into it's side was not moving much.

"Knights help when there's trouble, right?" she said turning her big eyes up to him. He nodded seriously, taking her concerns at face value then thought on how to do this. "I will be your knight, Emily, but this is going to be very hard. Will you help me and do as I ask of you?" Her eyes got bigger, but she nodded seriously. Reaching into his breast pocket he pulled out a handkerchief and held it out, putting it around the cat's side as best he could. "Now here, bend down for me. and hold this on both her sides, all right?"

She knelt seriously and held on, he tightening her hands which got a slight meow of protest from the kitten but it sounded weak. "Now you hold her steady, don't let her move. I'm going to lift the fence up a bit and then we'll get her out, all right?" The little girl nodded, encouraged by his hand on her shoulder and he couldn't help but wonder if he would ever have a family himself. Knights worked for the people and he had no title. It would be hard to find a woman willing to marry a man who was always out on rounds, not living at home.

But being a knight was his life and everything he had ever wanted to be!

Putting his hands on either side of the cat, he got a good grip on the fence bottom, a set of very old half-way crumbly boards and said "Ready" Don't let her get away now," and once she nodded her head he pulled. It was a hard pull, the old fence more solidly placed then one would think and he was feeling it in his arms when he saw the cat suddenly wriggle forward, the girl hard pressed to hold her still. As soon as the cat was free, he released his pull, feeling the fence drop back and nearly falling off balance, but he managed to stop himself and put one hand on the kitten's head to keep her escaping for a moment.

"Now, I'll hold her sides, you hold her head and front paws just a moment, okay?" Quickly getting the cloth, he tied it over the cat's side tightly to stop the flow of blood and then Looked at his little partner. "I'm afraid you will need to take that little apron off, Emily, so we can wrap this one for you to take home." Her jaw dropped open. "A cat?" she squeaked, "for me?" Jangi shook his head with a soft smile. "I can't take her on a horse and she needs to be held and taken care of, fed some milk dribbled down into her mouth for a few days till she is stronger. If you are lucky and are very careful with her she might hang around, but I'm not giving her to you. I can't give you another living creature, but I will charge you to take care of her till she is better."

Her face became quite serious as she slipped the apron off her neck and he wrapped the kitten in it carefully before bundling the end and showing her how to hold her arms then placed the cat in them softly. "Come now, lets go find your parents and I will explain." Her mother was apparently in the mill working and she came out wiping her hands looking worried. Jangi explained how the brave girl had asked his help to save another life and how he had given her a charge to help it recover over the next few days. The mother looked worried till Jangi gave her a coin which was worth a meal if not a pair of them and placed it in the mother's hand saying "There is for the trouble. it will be a good lesson for her about helping others and caring for all creatures. Please, for her sake."

That seemed to break down that barrier and the woman nodded, taking the coin and looking at her daughter with a soft look. "You should be very proud of her, Madam, she is doing the work that others would not consider. I suspect I will hear good things of her one day." With a smile he returned and ended up going straight into the next case without a break, but with a light feeling in his heart and mind...